There
are two questions we can ask within marriage that will take us to two entirely
different dimensions. We have to choose which dimension we want to live in.
The
two questions are these:
How
can I bless you?”
Or:
If
we live in the second dimension (“How can I get my own way?”), every conflict
will be resolved in terms of how we benefit from the outcome. If we live in the
first dimension (“How can I bless you?”), every conflict will be resolved in
terms of how our spouse is blessed in the process.
Sacred
marriage is about choosing to live in the first dimension. I have to focus my
thoughts, emotions and ultimately my will on the purpose of blessing my spouse.
I have to reject the second dimension as being less than a sacred marriage,
something unworthy of fighting about and something rejected by Scripture (“What
causes fights and quarrels among you?…You want something but don’t get it.”
James 4:1, 2).
Every
day of marriage is a fight to live in the first dimension. Every selfish fiber
in my sin-stained soul tempts me and urges me to dwell in the second.
Does
living in the first dimension mean we become “sacred doormats”?
Absolutely not. It all depends on the content of the word “bless.”
Absolutely not. It all depends on the content of the word “bless.”
For
instance, in a real-life scenario, a wife told me that her husband said, “Quit
throwing away my pornography. I need it. If you throw away my pornography, I’m
throwing away your Bible.”
Her
desire is that her husband not keep a stash of pornography. That’s what she
wants. But it’s also what will most bless her husband. So she doesn’t “give
way” and allow him to maintain a separate sexual life apart from their
intimacy. She “blesses” him by saying, “No, I won’t stand for this.”
To
bless someone is to seek their ultimate good, and their ultimate good is what
draws them to God.
Another
scenario: let’s say a husband is married to his church. He’s ignoring his wife
and kids, or, perhaps better said, making them less a priority. His ego is
clearly tied up in pleasing his congregation every Sunday with a sermon that
will be praised. The wife wants him to invest more of himself at home. That’s a
good and holy desire, and in fact a spiritually healthy desire, as pride pulls
us away from God and service brings us closer to God. So “putting up with that”
isn’t blessing him, it’s hurting him. But her reproof will be aimed toward
blessing her husband, not getting her own way.
A
husband might “bless” his wife by truly wanting her to consider a healthier
style of life. He might want her to be released to enjoy sexual intimacy more
freely and more often. Of course, he would benefit from both these aims, but if
he is driven by a desire to bless her, not to get what he wants, he will still
be living in the first dimension.
Living
in the first dimension is all about Holy Spirit inspired and empowered hearts
directing our wills. It is the only sustaining basis for a truly sacred
marriage.
Our
spouses can usually tell if we are pursuing the first or second dimension. I
can’t explain why, but there’s just a different tenor in our tone, a different
approach, a different attitude that comes out of us when we live by the first
dimension than when we selfishly pursue the second.
When
we live self-righteously in the second dimension, we can do great harm, even
when we’re in the “right.” It’s possible to be “right” in the wrong way and for
the wrong reasons. When we are fighting for the right out of selfish concerns,
that’s still a miserable place to live. We’ll lose even if we win. Besides,
nobody wants to be “conquered,” even if they deserve to be. And when we live in
the second dimension, that’s what we’re seeking to do—conquer our spouse.
Let’s
live in the first dimension: “How can I bless my spouse.” Let’s pray that God
would give us His own heart for our spouse, that we would live to bless them.
Source: Start MarriageRight
Source: Start MarriageRight
This is simply the truth that every singles need to know
ReplyDeleteSo profound. Thank you. I learned something.
ReplyDelete